Friday, December 26, 2008

The bagel hole

This analogy keeps coming back to me, and the lesson is one that I need to re-learn, re-apply frequently, maybe one day I will actually 'get' this and move on?

I life a truly blessed life. I have a beautiful family and we are all healthy. Our extended family is loving, caring, generous and above all fun to be around. We have many great and dear friends all across the country. I am fully aware of the many 'major' blessings that I can count mine.

Yet, in this wonderful period of my life, when I am pretty fancy and footloose, I get lost in the 'hole.' If I really think about it, I have it 'made' right now. No home to clean, no household chores to do, no meal planning, no daily to do list of too many things that must get done today, no stresses of making 'the right' Christmas food, no expectations on 'the perfect' decorations, rather I have time to sit on the floor and play with the boys, read a magazine or a great book for more than 5 minutes at a stretch, Bob and I have had a dinner out date, and we have had a wonderful and joyous Christmas surrounded by family, fabulous food and the ability to see and experience Christmas through the eyes of little ones. I could easily go on for pages about the plentys of my blessings.

Yet, the 'hole' crowds this out, and what I 'see' is only what I do not have, the things that are not going 'my way,' the misspelling of a word rather than the blessing of the message, the slight of a clerk rather than the great gift found for a loved one. It is like sticking my head through the hole of a bagel, looking at the big empty space and complaining there is nothing to eat. Being so busy looking around through the hole that I completely miss all the yummy dough cooked into a delicious, warm, cinnamon raisin bagel. The 'not here' takes over, crowds out the 'much here' and the hole gets bigger, the more I really have. Truly I am lacking nothing, I am not in need for even one thing. Why does the hole take over? It colors my world, I am grouchy, crabby, selfish, and not fun to be around - because I am hungry and all I can see is the hole.

I am going back to basics, back to counting my blessings daily to keep me so busy that the hole cannot take over. Because when I stop and enumerate the many things that are so wonderful in my life, the hole disappear, and the scent of cinnamon tickles my nose, the warmth of the dough warms me up, and my hunger is satisfied by the extra large bagel that is all around me.

This is more self disclosure than I am used to, but being open, honest, and real is the only way to smooth out the rough edges. Our current vagabond lifestyle is shining a bright light at many of my rough spots, there is a lot of work to be done. This season in my life is no 'accident' but rather a precious gift from God, so that I can do the work set before me. The busyness of 'normal life is gone, stripped away, I have no excuses. This is a time for self reflection, re-focus, renewal bathed in prayer and Scripture to help me in the sanctification process and to grow closer to God. This journey has just began!

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